“Barbarians at the Gates”, (Burrough/Helyar) was a book in the 80s read by people involved in finance, particularly in The City . After a few months at the school gates, I wrote a skit, “Mammaries at the Gates” which was my therapy for the better and the worst of what I encountered.
Standing waiting for children at the school gates can be a supportive and entertaining. It can be demoralising and diminishing.
For some it is a swift drop and straight to work, or drop one, and onto the next, and work depending on how your knitting pattern of a day work. And, ditto in reverse after school. For them school gate-ing would be treat from the pressure of rushing to the commuter train into a hard core work environment, or working through a roster of patients or fighting to keeping a business afloat.
Some of my dearest friends grew from chit chats waiting for the kids. But, reader beware, (and no doubt if you are reading this you know), it can also be a daily shredding experience. I was advised by friends whose ‘children’ were teenagers by the time I had little ones, to tread carefully and be aware of the alpha mothers (and it is mostly mothers) and the crazy makers. Of course we learn to avoid the potholes but every so often you can’t avoid them.
I was new to school, because up until then, we had lived on a boat. I found myself being intrigued with upmanship of one or two mothers who tended to rule the playdates and parties. Initially, I escaped by writing a book, “Sail Away How to Escape The Rat Race” which was a catharsis for re-entry from life on a boat.
Once the book was complete I headed to the next project however, looking back, I wasted too much time being concerned about whether my children would be included in the golden circle. For a while they were, but, I came to realise, slowly but surely, that we were our own little golden circle. It sounds trite, but I came to understand, fully, (what friends who had been through this cycle already had forecast), that focussing on your children, not on others, is where it is at. All ways. Always.
Grandparents who help out, ‘doing it all again’, instantly remember and recognise the types of mothers (and to an extent fathers). As a generation away they are not ‘in’ with the parents. A conversation with a friend who is now a Grandmother caring for her Granddaughter laughs when she sees the ‘types’: – the entitled ones usually these alpha have their betas, the aspiring ones, the frazzled working ones, the living through their children, the ‘Tiger” (ambitious), and the nannies working for consultants or lawyers and other high flyers, or, rich folk.
(Tiger mother Amy Chua wrote a book about raising high achieving children. The mother demands obedience and academic excellence. The book divided parents, worldwide).
Motherland (starring Anna Maxwell Martin), satirises school mothers in a close to the bone comedy series.https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/p05j1jkp/motherland
Form Rep
I found myself agreeing to be the class rep. I am not playing hero here. I was new to the school and pleased to help. But. When you feel the tractor beam from the out going rep locking on you … be ready to step up, or step out with a good reason, not an excuse. I made the form rep work around my work, but it is a commitment. Usually at the end of the holidays. I would organise a walk. Moors Valley Park (Dorset) https://moors-valley.co.uk where there is a trail of different climbing structures . A win win, parents got to walk and catch up, and children clambered and were worn out. The other favourite was Wilton House, “Ground admission” gives access to the adventure playground. https://www.wiltonhouse.co.uk/opening-and-admissions/No doubt you have your go-to country park, National Trust, English Heritage or adventure park.
What are your walks and play areas for your class?
Of course living near the New Forest, and knowing where rope swings are to be found, if you have three children with you, then that’s the go to.
Rope swing, near Bramshaw/Nomansland, New Forest.